When we talk about just about anything today, the root seems to be either money scams or the bitterness of partisan politics. It makes for a lot of ugliness. It’s hard to write a weekly blog and not get mired in the depressive stuff of the day. For this week, with Spring in its full glory, I didn’t want to write about negative and depressing things.
Searching through some papers I saved, I found something that made me laugh and I hope you’ll laugh too. These quips are from Colbert I. King’s piece titled, “At Darrell’s Barbershop” (The Washington Post, February 16, 2002):
Can you top this?
“We were so poor, burglars used to break in our house and LEAVE money.”
“We were so poor that our front door and back door were on the same HINGE!”
“We were so poor that when I was growing up, my pants had so many holes in them that when I ran they hummed.”
“That’s not poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was black and white.”
“Wait a minute. I was so poor, when I was born, Mom and Dad bought me a stroller. I made the last three payments MYSELF!”
“I was so poor, my family received CARE packages from the Third World.”
“I was so poor growing up, my favorite food was ice.”
“I was so poor that once my arithmetic teacher in elementary school asked me, ‘If you had $2 in one pocket and $3 in another, what would you have?’ I told her someone else’s pants.”
These people were so poor that:
- on Christmas Day they got a battery with a note saying, “Toy not included.”
- they went to McDonald’s and put a milkshake on lay-away.
- they used to wave around a popsicle stick and call it air-conditioning.
- they had to join the Army to get a haircut.
- when somebody came to their house and lit a cigarette, their father would shout, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we have heat.”
I need silly and corny sometimes. Do you?
Posted in empathy, reflection
Is it just me or are designers and manufactures of women’s clothing playing a joke on us and laughing all the way to the bank?
On a recent shopping trip, I browsed in stores for women’s clothing from economy to high-end and everything in between and had a difficult time liking the choices available. From the quality of fabrics to colors and designs, there were disappointments.
In addition to being disappointed in the choices, I was keenly aware that none of the clothes were labeled as being made in the USA. I considered the implications of this for the manufacturing workforce in the United States. It used to be that the prices were more affordable when the garments were not made in the United States. I don’t think this is the case now. Very casual wear such as t-shirts made overseas seemed unreasonably expensive for the quality. So why all the imports?
As I looked through racks of clothing at various stores, I thought about what my mother’s reaction might be upon seeing the choices today. She was a woman of impeccable style and discernment. She knew quality fabrics and was a real stickler about the precision of the tailoring. She would rub the fabric between her thumb and middle finger and determine whether the garment was worth the price. Even though money was short, if she had to buy clothing, it would be of the highest quality. She took very good care of her clothes. As a result, she kept her clothes for a long time, but they never seemed to go out of style. They were classics.
I haven’t seen what I would call a classic in some time now. Instead of styles today, there are trends because what’s up-to-date, or what everyone is wearing, changes so frequently. Designers and manufacturers of almost every consumer product create them for obsolescence. Otherwise, there would be no profit. I think most of us buy clothes that make us feel good about ourselves. Clothes we choose represent the image we have of our best selves. That’s why most of us have at least one garment that is, in our opinion, a classic. We keep it even if we don’t wear it because it’s who we are.
Except for that classic piece, I suspect that we don’t wear our clothes season after season because we don’t want to be out of sync with what others are wearing. To keep up with the trends of the day, we hold our breath and pay the prices offered.
It’s not that we are complacent and don’t care about quality or have discerning taste. We have no choice but to settle for the last resort and buy what is offered. It is our vanity and unwillingness to be out of sync with the latest trends that allow designers and manufacturers of clothing to get away with offering us shoddily made unattractive clothing.
It’s a bittersweet memory to recall the days when I couldn’t afford most of the clothes that appealed to me, and window shopping was good enough because the beauty of the clothes brought joy whether I could own them or not.
A possible upside to my dim view about today’s clothes is that we’re not alone. Everybody looks very strange in the trends of the day.
I don’t subscribe to the adage that “nothing is ever lost.” I used to lose things all the time. While in college, I lost two coats! Like a lot of people, I’ve lost more umbrellas than I can count and don’t get me started on misplacing things. When I used to misplace things at home, my calm and logical husband was always there to find them for me.
I don’t usually lose things now because I try to be mindful of what I’m doing. Also, I like to establish the kind of habits that relieve me of having to be consciously thinking about where I put the items I use every day. Most things have their place. Now that I’ve downsized, there are a lot of open spaces and flat surfaces where I can easily see things if I’m looking for them. I’ve been feeling pretty content and maybe a little smug about not having the frustration of always looking for something that has been misplaced.
That was until recently…
I have now become preoccupied with retracing my steps and actions to see if I did anything differently on the day that I lost my keys.
For a solid week, I was unable to walk through the house without scanning for the keys. The only thing that was different the day the keys disappeared is that I did have folks in the house doing some work. Coming from a background in which people felt that it was okay to take something that didn’t belong to them, I struggle to keep from thinking that someone deliberately took my keys. I’m going with the notion that the keys are lost or misplaced.
Resolved to think that the keys are lost or misplaced and not stolen did not take away the feeling of anxiousness. I would tell myself to just let it go and feel lucky that I was able to replace the keys. However, I was unable to take my own advice in letting it go. In my desperation, I became irrational in my search. I was looking in places knowingfull well before I searched that the keys would not be there—in boxes and drawers and under everything.
My preoccupation with the lost or misplaced keys became pervasive and a nuisance taking up brain space that I’d rather use otherwise. At the point of exhaustion, I called on my value of reflection. I asked myself what my deeper feelings were—those feelings beyond frustration.
Upon reflection, I was surprised to discover that my deeper feeling was one of distrust. Distrust in myself. How could I trust myself if I couldn’t keep up with something as simple as my own keys? Acknowledging this feeling gave me permission to allow my feelings of humility to surface.
In this posture of humility, I was able to reflect on what I had done in the past when I lost confidence in the one person that I should be able to trust.
During these times of a crisis of confidence in myself, I slow down. I soften my facial features. I show myself the same empathy and gentleness that I would show someone else who temporarily lost confidence in self. And lastly, I forgive myself for the all-to-human trait of being fallible.
Posted in energy, reflection
I have decided to stop saying, “Just be yourself and act natural.”
I realize that hearing this does not always motivate. It can even be devastating when one feels that just being one’s self is not enough.
This is where role models come in. If we think that being our natural self is not enough, who are the people we would like to be like in this situation?
Acting as we think the people we admire would act is still being ourselves. We’re just finding a way to bring this part of ourselves into focus for this purpose. It does not change who we are. Acting as we think a role model would act enhances and burnishes the self that we’re always creating.
Being our best selves by not deliberately deceiving for selfish reasons may be the better part of being authentic.
If we’re guided by a basic human value of treating others the way we would like to be treated or the way they prefer to be treated, I think we can simplify the complex issue of being our authentic selves.
Posted in Identity, Leadership, reflection, respect
Gwen Dungy 