Call me old-fashioned for an expectation of decorum and socially acceptable behavior in certain circumstances and in particular places. Because it’s so rare and certainly not a requirement, I am moved in a good way when someone demonstrates politeness in even the smallest of ways.
A weird example of my appreciation for politeness is after an interaction with automated customer service. It is most frustrating when there are no humans with whom one can speak when one needs information that is “none of the above” among the choices offered. I’m ecstatic when what I think is a human being speaks to me, gives me their name, listens, and attempts to help.
It makes my day when I’m walking closely behind someone and that person holds the door for me rather than letting it shut in my face.
Basic words like “please” and “thank you” given with a semblance of sincerity harkens back to a time when parents used to tell their children to “behave like you have home training.” Or they might say, “Don’t embarrass us when you go out in public,” or, “Don’t be uncouth.”
I’m not saying that “back in the day” most people were courteous and today no one is polite. It just seems to me that the expectation of decorum and socially acceptable behavior is seen as an infringement on another’s rights to be as disrespectful and undignified as they want to be.
I also support the idea of being able to be free to act and behave as one desires whether it’s uncouth or not. I think the line needs to be drawn, however, when your freedom to be who you want to be infringes on the freedom and sensibilities of another person.
I hope some of you who know me realize that my complaining about manners is just a way to distract myself from onset disenchantment as I fear a future of conflict rather than community.
Gwen Dungy 
Gwen, you are 100% correct. Small gestures really do matter.
Three weeks ago, the Orlando Sentinel published a letter I wrote explaining why the American flag belonged to everyone—not just to MAGA Americans. I was immediately inundated with hate mail, most of which confirmed my working theories about the zombies who blindly follow Trump, members of the religious right who see him as the second coming, and the gutless males who are looking for any excuse to bully and demean women. I decided that my best option was to shred any letter that arrived in a long white envelope with a Central Florida postmark and no return address.
Yesterday, I began to think that maybe the time has come to leave Florida and watch its death spiral from afar. (The governor just spent $60,000 to replace all the signs on Florida’s borders with signs that say the “Free State of Florida. Ron De Santos, Governor.”) When the mailman dropped off the day’s mail, I saw that the envelope on top was smaller than the others and had a hand-written return address. I decided to open it.
The letter was from a women living in an upscale Central Florida community who thanked me for having the courage to write my letter to the Sentinel, and then described how her Trump-supporting neighbors have appropriated the American flag, which many pair with the Confederate flag, and do their best to create a hostile environment for their non-MAGA neighbors.
She ended the letter by saying that her husband had served in the military, always wore an American flag on his lapel to remind him how lucky he was to live in this country, and (fortunately, in her opinion) had died before Florida had begun its descent into madness.
Enclosed in the letter—carefully wrapped in tissue paper—was one of the American flag pins her husband always wore. The woman was sending it to me because she did not think she would live to see America right itself, but I might. In the meantime, she suggested that I wear the pin to remind myself that I was not alone.
I was blown away by the letter and the gift. That one small gesture from a stranger made my day and hardened my resolve. It mattered more than that woman could imagine.
Maggie, I agree that you have courage to speak up and from your heart. I’m so glad that the woman who wrote to you remembers the flag as a symbol of what so many want to believe about this country.
Thank you for sharing your thougts and your experience.