It’s funny how sometimes I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, and yet I’ll remember a comment that I heard weeks ago.
Like many others, I watched CNN’s interview with Vice President Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. I thought the questions and responses were what would be expected. Journalist Dana Bash asked the hard questions, and the interviewees gave the kind of responses that one would expect from people running for political office.
What has been unsettling for me is Vice President Harris’ response regarding the evolution of her positions on several critical issues. Rather than an explanation about why she changed her stances, Vice President Harris stated, as I recall it, “My values have not changed.”
What must it be like to feel compelled to make decisions that do not align with one’s values?
I began to try to think of instances in my own life when I made decisions that did not align with my values. What stood out for me was my values about what it means to be a mother. Parenting is one thing, but to me, mothering is on a whole other plane. I value what I think is the innate urge and responsibility to always nurture and protect one’s child at any costs. I value being present when the child says, “Mommie.”
There is a dull ache in my chest and tears on the brink when I think about the decisions I have made that did not align with my values as a mother. Three instances come immediately to mind:
I gave the nurturing and protection of my child to a babysitter when he was six months old. Against my values as a mother, I chose to give more time to my job than to my child. I cried when I had to leave him with the sitter. But I thought, at the time, that I had no choice.
When my child was four years old, his father and I agreed to chaperon a community college student trip. Though we trusted the sitter’s family like our own, I was crying when we left our son with them. It was gut wrenching when he stood at the big picture window and waved goodbye to us. There was no way for him to understand that I would not come for him at the end of the workday as usual. We had never been apart overnight. When his Dad and I reached our destination, we called to talk with him. Without tears and apparent emotion, he asked us, “Are you all coming back?” I didn’t think my broken heart would ever recover from hearing this question from the child I wanted to nurture and protect more than anything in the world. Not intentionally, but in reality, I put my job before my values of mothering.
The most gut-wrenching memory of not living my values of mothering was when our tiny little boy, no more than five or six years, instead of walking the one block to the sitter’s house as usual, walked more than a mile, crossing busy streets, to find his Mommie at her job at the community college. He had the courage to find me; I hadn’t had the courage to live my values of mothering to nurture and protect him at any cost.
Vice President Harris gave me a lot to think about with her comment. I don’t think I was a bad or neglectful mother when it came to the essentials, but like many others who put their job high on their list of priorities, I hid behind the term “quality time.” We assuaged our guilt in not spending more time with our children by saying that the amount of time was not the most important thing, it was what we did during the time we were with them. Regardless of how I might have colored it during my time as the mother of a child, I made decisions that did not align with my values as a mother.
I can say from experience that the feelings provoked when making decisions that don’t align with one’s values are not fleeting but forever imprinted on a heart that wanted to do the right thing—to make decisions that aligned with one’s values.
Gwen Dungy 
When you say that you did not have the courage to live up to your values of mothering, are you saying that you wish you had quit working as soon as your son was born and remained at home until he left for college, transitioned to part-time work, resisted the temptation to volunteer for additional assignments, or something else that went entirely over my head?
I wonder if you have ever entertained the thought that you might have become a more effective mother because you had interests outside of motherhood. I also wonder if your husband ever questioned his decision to juggle work and fatherhood and how—in the rearview mirror—your son assesses the role you played in his life?
From my perspective, your son’s willingness to walk a mile to find you is impressive: he needed you and knew where you were. But is his walking a mile to find you really a checkmark in the “bad mother” column?
And, yes, these questions and observations come from someone whose husband managed the house and cared for two teenagers while I completed a six-month residency for my doctorate. I made the 550 mile round trip every Thursday to check in with the family, restock the pantry, and prep a few meals before returning to the university early Monday morning (like 4 a.m. early).
My most memorable moment came when my stepdaughter called begging me to come home early because “dad just throws everything—meat, potatoes, vegetables— into one pan and either fries or boils dinner.” Did this call mean that I was a bad stepmother? Not by my definition, although I did start preparing more casseroles that my husband or the kids could just toss in the oven.
Bottom Line: When deciding if the majority of your life decisions have aligned with your core values, remember the words of Maya Angelou: Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better.
Hi and thank you, Maggie. I hear you. The point I want to make is that it’s difficult to make decisions that don’t align with one’s values whatever the situation is. Though I wanted to be with my child, I never entertained the thought of not getting my graduate degrees or having a career.
I’m glad that you shared your thoughts here. They will be so helpful for folks who might give in to values similar to mine in regard to “mothering.”
You’re great and I value you and your opinion.