Category Archives: Identity

Slipping Into Darkness

We know when it’s happening and we want to believe that no one else notices. We have enough of ourselves to repeat those unique elements of our personality, yet the essence of who we are keeps slipping into darkness. My husband and I visited my mother-in-law a week ago in her very comfortable supportive living facility. Though she has her own apartment, it is less home and more a nice shelter in a facility. My mother-in-law will be ninety-four in a few weeks, and she craves independence and the preservation of her former self. She has done an incredible job in holding on to both. When we saw her in October, she was still regaling us with stories of her youth and the improbable romance she had with her late husband. Not so this time.

During one of our conversations, I said to her that we might want to write a note about something so she would be sure to remember to do something. She quickly assured me that she would not forget. For years the life of the party because of her loquaciousness, during this latest visit, she sat quietly responding with as few words as possible; I believe because she was fearful that someone would notice that she was slipping into darkness.

As we usually do, my husband and I were her guests at meal times in the dining room. She was gracious as always introducing us to each table of people that we have met on numerous occasions. The residents were happy to see us again, and some of them made eye contact with us that suggested that they, too, saw the slippage in my mother-in-law. All of the servers in the dining hall were “twenty somethings,” and my hope is that all of them have received the kind of education and training that will endow them with the expertise and grace to figuratively walk beside my mother- in-law as she holds her head high, stands ramrod straight, knows that she is still independent, and holds firmly to her sense of dignity.

Reading Between the Lines – Searching Out the Hidden Characters

According to Gallup’s StrengthsQuest my top strength is Learner. In addition to learning about New England families and the complex relationships they had with their slaves in Allegra di Bonaventura’s article “Finding Adam” in The Chronicle Review (April 12, 2013), I learned that as I embark upon my adventure to write about my life, I will need to do what Bonaventura did when he was reading the diary of John Hempstead to learn about this man’s life.  Bonaventura writes:

For Adam’s sake, I need to read between the lines of Joshua’s entries and look beyond the clapboards of his house to find out more about Adam Jackson and others like him.

Adam was a slave in the Hempstead house and definitely not a major character in the Hempstead diary.

I’m fortunate in the writing I’m doing because my mother left me a full account of her life, and at first glance, one could think that she has done most of the work for me. The first chapter of the book I’m writing was done in 1994, and my mother is the starring character as she is in the account she left for me. But as I’ve been reading what she left, I, too, must read between the lines and look beyond her perspective to find out more about other characters, particularly my father.

The Next Chapter – The Story of Myself

It was one year ago April 1 (of all days), that I began my retirement as executive director of NASPA. Because I did not want to look back on the year and wonder what I had accomplished and how I had spent my precious time, I set a number of goals for myself. I am satisfied with my accomplishments because they have cleared the way for me to devote time to what I’ve thought I have wanted to do for years. I began writing about my life experiences with a chapter in a book of essays in 1994, and never have gotten back to it. Now is the time…

When I think about the number of memoirs, biographies, and autobiographies already written and published, I tell myself that the world does not need one more of these. Yet, I feel compelled to put my memories on paper because even as a child as I experienced the dailiness of my life, I would tell myself that I should remember this for the story I would tell later.

I share my plan to write as a measure of accountability for myself. As disciplined as I am, I need to feel an obligation, such as this public promise, in order to devote the time to writing.

In some ways, I feel selfish in writing about myself. My saving grace will be that if I write something that someone else will attribute meaning, then I will have given of myself in exchange for receiving the satisfaction of telling my story.

Making Diversity Inclusive

Last week, I attended the AAC&U Modeling Equity, Engaging Difference Conference in Baltimore. The Associate Provost of Towson University in Baltimore and I put together a student panel to speak to diversity and equity. The Associate Provost and I were each responsible for identifying two students for the panel presentation, representing four different types of institutions, in total.

When I called my colleagues at two colleges to request two students to be on the panel, I only described the program and what the students would be asked to address. I did not specify any demographics about the students. While the Associate Provost and I had a phone conversation with the four students to discuss the presentation, we did not see the students until the day of the conference. One student was studying in the U.S. from Kenya; another student, the only male, was from Pakistan; and two Black students were from the Baltimore area. All of these students were leaders on their campuses and bright, ambitious, and very much engaged in their education.

The first question for the panel was, “What does diversity and equity mean to you?” I think the question is one that we as educators should ponder, and one for which we should be able to provide a response. While I was not surprised by there being no White student from the United States on the panel, a panel on diversity and equity that includes only students of color and international students may say that when we educators think of diversity and equity, we do not include White students. How can we help White students understand that diversity includes them if we do not behave as if we understand that diversity includes all of us?

Navigating Diverse Identities with Students and Colleagues Alike

When I was mid-career, I used to consult with senior educators I admired for their wisdom borne out of experience and what I thought was their infinite intelligence. I hoped that one day I would be seen as one who had such gifts. I also wanted to have a young spirit and not look my age. What I have attained is the age where many younger professionals do seek my opinions and advice on a variety of topics, and surprisingly to me, I have either experienced what is challenging them now or I have some thoughts that they consider pondering.

I found myself wanting to know what others would say that was a cogent and insightful response when a younger professional asked me how best to “navigate” the challenge of holding onto one’s beliefs when one’s job responsibilities ran counter to these beliefs. This professional was referring to the incidences when one’s role responsibilities required advising and supporting the activities of LGBTQ students when one, personally, did not accept the idea of LGBTQ in any form or lifestyle. This young professional declared that they held no negative feelings about individuals who identified as LGBTQ, but the staff person could not, because of their religious beliefs, support the work of the LGBTQ students.

My response was about the ethics of professionals in student affairs and this did not resonate with the person. There was genuine conflict.  What would you have said?

Very shortly after this conversation, I received an email from a friend of a friend who posed the following question: How should one’s religious values affect our approach to our work in student affairs?

André is writing this part of the blog with me. André posed questions such as “At what point do we let our own identities influence our practice?” His conflict was not about how he would work with students. His question rose from how professionals value and devalue other professionals based on their identity with religious values. André worries that he would be discouraged from explicitly or prominently referencing his faith, which is very important to him, because it may alienate students. He asked, “Where do we draw the line between being ourselves and obscuring our identity?” and “How do we confront our colleagues when they do not show the same acceptance and open-mindedness toward their peers as they do their students?” He said, for example, I can be black and gay and not hide these parts of my identity, but I don’t have the same freedom to share my religious identity.  He is puzzled about how professionals relate to one another around these identity issues among themselves. Poignantly, André said that “It’s easier being openly gay in a Christian environment than it is being religious in a Queer environment.”

As our conversation moved forward, André shared that it’s not just religious beliefs, but it’s also political leanings that are not part of the dominant narrative that don’t get shared among colleagues. He reported that a few of his peers who are political conservatives don’t generally express their opinions in group settings due to fear of being outcast.

Do you think we need a conversation among ourselves as student affairs colleagues about how we can all present our whole selves and be accepted and respected? If yes, what are your ideas about how to move this forward? If you do not think that we should give these questions further thought, please share your thinking with us.