Category Archives: respect

James: A Retelling

image of book cover for Percival Everett's "James"

When I first heard about Percival Everett’s James, I thought rewriting Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn from the slave’s perspective was an inventive idea. When I finished reading the book, I thought exploring the interior life of and giving voice to the slave, Jim, was genius.

Evidently, I was not alone, as James won the National Book Award for 2024, and was selected by both The Washington Post and The New York Times Book Review as one of the best books of 2024.

It’s not only the idea of “translating” Huckleberry Finn that’s so incredible to me. It’s the rare and raw telling of what life was like for enslaved people just a couple of decades before the 20th century. Like many others, to more fully appreciate James, I felt compelled to reread Huckleberry Finn.

What struck me most intensely in Twain’s telling of the storywere the ordeals Jim had to suffer for the amusement of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. The boys were not being purposely malicious toward Jim. They—Tom Sawyer in particular—were having an adventure at Jim’s expense, seemingly ignorant of the physical hardship their plans required and apparently oblivious to Jim’s urgent need to rescue his family.

In contrast to Huckleberry Finn, in James, Huck and Jim were friends helping one another. Their trials were shared. Often it was essential for them to be united in plans and purposes to be safe from discovery.The human connection between Huck and Jim is deeper than their status as slave and White boy. Both were seeking their own respective freedoms and they relied on one another for what each could bring to their endeavor.

In Huckleberry Finn, Jim had no agency. If he wanted help he had to acquiesce to every whim of the boys. However, though he appears an unwitting victim in the games the boys played and served as their human toy, he knew the ways of White folks.

In James, it’s clear that knowing the ways of White folks was the best defense against some of the hard realities of being a slave. The next best defense was knowing White folks better than White folks knew the slaves.

In James, Everett expertly describes code switching as if it were a foreign language spoken by people who understood that to be seen as intelligent or even having the desire to learn—such as opening a book or harboring a pencil—could be the difference between life and death.

James is not only genius in its approach as a novel but does what art does best in challenging those who behold it and allow themselves to consider the important questions raised. In what ways do we continue to code switch and employ survival techniques? How can we be more responsible with our own agency, acknowledge and respect the inherent agency and dignity of others, and find balance in it all? How can understanding the varying perspectives of those with whom we travel different parts of life’s journey help all of the parties involved?

The Season for Reminiscing

I guess it’s because of the holiday season that my mind is on food and who’s cooking.

It’s a puzzlement to me that I can only remember one meal that my mother cooked. I recall that the meal was very special even though there was no special occasion. She was just in the mood to cook something that we had never eaten before.

This was a rare treat that I longed to have repeated, but between her migraines, moods, and messy life, there was no time for simple necessities such as cooking. And further, she didn’t like to eat. Just toast and tea for breakfast, and if she decided to eat something in the evening it would be just a bit of food and more tea. With more than a little disdain for someone who she thought was eating too much, she would say, “We’re supposed to eat to live, not live to eat.”

Though my reminisces about my mother might seem harsh and unforgiving sometimes, I believe that the migraines, moods, and messiness of her life were the result of emotional and physical abuse, as well as a life that fell far short of her potential and ambitions.

From what she told me of her very early years, it is obvious to me that she had many gifts. As early as five years of age, when she first became a babysitter, she said that she understood that she was supposed to work hard, love, and have faith in God. I believe that she tried to do this.

Being an only child of sharecroppers “way back in the woods,” as she described where they lived, she had few interactions with other children. Her companions were animals found near where she lived. Instead of a dog like children usually have, she had a pig that she loved and was devastated when it was finally slaughtered for food.

During those early years, her only playmate as she referred to him, was a boy shunned and abused by other children because of the way he looked and his inability to speak normally. When others did not know what the little boy was trying to say, she would translate for him.

From what she told me, it seems that she had an innate sense for understanding both animals and humans and a natural empathy for those who were seen as outsiders or mistreated.

My mother had many virtues and attributes that one would only know by listening to her talk about her life. When I listened to her, I always got the sense that she thought that she was never loved enough.

During this holiday season, I want to think about her and be grateful that she was my mother. I hope that some of the goodness that was innate in her has been gifted to me.  

Super Agers

AARP Bulletin cover with large diagonal text reading "Super Agers" on blue background

Reading the November issue of the AARP Bulletin about “super agers,” people who seem to defy the common complications of aging and appear destined to live a very long life, I recalled a recent conversation with a friend I’ve known since high school. We laughed as we talked about some of the experiences we’re having as people of a certain age and generation.

We laughed and made jokes about not wanting to live as long as science predicts that super agers might live. We agreed that the most unthinkable downside of living a long life would be outliving loved ones younger than us.  

Another major downside of living a long life is the specter of becoming a living, breathing, walking ghost in our own time. Having experienced the loss of friends our age, we find ourselves in communities where we have fewer and fewer peers and no matter where we are, we think we are the oldest in the room.

As we have always done, we looked for the humor in our situation. We decided that we were living ghosts because younger people don’t really see us. They know that we’re here as a presence but not really an entity with whom they should engage. They feel our ghostly presence but not as contributors to the life they’re living.

We don’t blame them for not engaging with us. We understand that they don’t seek conversations with us because they “know” that we probably can’t connect with what they’re talking about regarding their social media interests, music they’re listening to, movies that appeal to them, and the fashions that are most fun and attractive to them. They see us as old-fashioned as we saw our elders when we were young.

We laughed as we shared anecdotes that supported our understanding that we were living, breathing, walking ghosts.

I told her about an experience I had some time ago when I was thrilled to be with a young friend at a club enjoying music and conversation while people-watching. A couple of seats at our table were empty. After some time, a young couple took the seats. After a while they asked “us” if “we” had heard this music group before.

That was the opening to talk about other things that “they” had in common. I care about my young friend, so I was not upset. I was just observant. The three of them engaged in animated conversation throughout the evening, never seeming to notice that I was a living, breathing human sitting with them at this very small table.

 I couldn’t believe how unaware they were that I was excluded from the conversation. I don’t think ignoring me was out of malice or even bad manners. It was just how things are.

Thankfully, the situation at the club was the most blatant demonstration of exclusion and being treated as a void that I have had. 

My long-time friend and I concluded that we ought to keep these rare instances in perspective and not allow the behavioral inclinations of the young to influence our worth and self-esteem. As we reminded ourselves, we have always swum against the tide and don’t plan to stop swimming any time soon.

What Shapes Us

According to notes in one of my older journals, I was struck by comments that Oprah and Tyler Perry made in an interview for Essence. Both attributed experiences growing up as catalysts that propelled them to their extraordinary success. Perry said that he thought it took “all of that hell, all of that darkness, to become who I am now.” Oprah expressed a similar sentiment, saying, “being born in Mississippi, in the year I was born, was Providence.”

But what if their experiences had nothing to do with their subsequent lives, especially their good fortune? What if Oprah and Tyler Perry are the lucky ones? Many, if not most, people who had a hard life growing up get caught in a cycle of hard times and never escape. They can never seem to get a break. Is a hard life their destiny?

Then there are those of us who see ourselves as fortunate and blessed, not on the same kind of scale of success as Oprah and Tyler Perry, but lucky, nonetheless, because we have attained a better life than might have been predicted for us based on our younger life experiences.

I get a lot of satisfaction out of remembering the times that I thought were devastating when they happened and realized at a later time that it was these experiences that helped me develop some of the skills and values that have been most important in creating the life I want and cherish. 

Most of all, I cherish those experiences that may have caused tears of sadness or anger and now bring laughter and sometimes tears of joy.

Remembering my brush with learning to play the piano makes me realize that I don’t give my mother enough credit for all she did to show her love.

When I was 14 or 15, I told my mother that I wanted to learn to play the piano and asked if it would be possible for me to take lessons. This was a big ask for someone in a family often just scraping by. But Muhdear did all the legwork of finding a piano, a music teacher, the $10 per lesson, and someone to drive me miles from home for lessons as often as possible.

close-up of piano keys with dark shadowing

The lessons were a disaster from the start. I thought the music teacher was too old, he had bad breath, and his method of teaching made me feel stupid. He was always harping about how I needed to practice. He had no idea what that was like for me.

No matter when I would practice, it was the wrong time for someone. If I practiced after school, my grandmother (and sometimes my mother when she was out of a job) would be watching one of their soap operas. They would beg me to practice later so they could hear the television. My grandmother would say, “Child, have some mercy on us and practice later.”

If I practiced on Saturday afternoon, in addition to relatives and friends just dropping by, my grandmother would have customers in the kitchen waiting to get their hair done, and my grandfather would have customers for haircuts sitting in the dining room waiting their turn.

The piano was in the dining room. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the men waiting for haircuts shaking their heads, covering their mouth, and trying not to laugh out loud as I practiced. My grandfather would say, “Gal, stop all that noise and find something else to do.”

Despite the discouragement, I tried to practice. The last straw, however, was when my favorite aunt—my grandmother’s sister—and her husband, Uncle, came by one Saturday when I was practicing.

As they were approaching the door to the apartment, they heard me practicing. I don’t know what she said, but I could tell by the tone and subsequent laughter that my aunt had said something derisive about my playing. When she passed behind my bench on the way to the kitchen where women were waiting to get their hair done, uncharacteristically, I ignored her. Uncle followed behind my aunt and, as he was passing, he placed a quarter on the piano near the keyboard and asked in his deep voice, “Is this enough for you to stop practicing?”

Apparently, there was already tension in the air because as the insult traveled like a rushing wind from the men waiting for haircuts to the women waiting to get their hair done, like the burst of a balloon, no one could hold in their laughter any longer. All the hair-cutting and hair-fixing stopped for a while so the pent-up laughter could come out throughout the apartment. Some laughed so hard tears streamed out and others had to go to the bathroom.

At the time, I was devastated. Years later, I could see the humor and would share the story with friends because it was funny!

Taking nothing away from the humor of this tale, in this young and ignorant phase of my life, I made some decisions based on this one incident that were rash, hurtful, and disrespectful. My decisions and subsequent actions as an ignorant teenager do not reflect who I have continued to become. They lacked values that I now hold dear such as reflection, respect, and empathy.

Though we may never know and understand the causes of events in our lives, we can use the experiences to shape the kind of person we want to be.

Notes on a Napkin

Twenty-three years ago—once again finding myself in a restaurant eating alone, a consequence of traveling around the country to be among members in their regions and to make speeches on various subjects—I often jotted my musings on a napkin.

On one such napkin, I wrote about what I wanted to say at the association’s business meeting as an introduction to reporting on the statistics and successes since the last annual meeting:

“We have to attend to the demographics of the profession to insure that what we as an association offer is relevant not just for today and today’s members, but for the future and tomorrow’s members. Student affairs and other support services are projecting the largest number of retirees within the next 5-10 years that the profession has experienced.

“Our challenge is to meet the needs of professionals up and down the demographic ladder. We can do this by broadening our definition of diversity among our membership to include age, gender, race, socioeconomic factors, and different perspectives.

“We need good people who are eyeing retirement to remain active in the profession as mentors and sages. We must find a way to capitalize on the gifts and legacies of our retiring professionals.

“At the same time, we need to look to mid-level, new and potential professionals to rejuvenate the field and the association. Determining what they need from their professional association is a particular challenge. In addition to meeting their professional needs, we want the talents they bring to move the association forward.

“We need to help the burgeoning number of mid-level professionals to assume leadership roles. What is the best way to show them that we need their participation and leadership to accomplish our vision?

“One of our tasks is to emphasize the power of leading from the middle.”

From what I can glean, as an outsider today, the association has been successful in bringing to fruition what were notes on a napkin a long time ago.

White empty napkin and pen on gray background

Invisible Leader

There was once a woman, in a land far away, who made a New Year’s resolution about how she wanted to best serve the organization for which she was given the privilege of being executive director.

While membership increase and satisfaction were always at the top of her mind, she wanted to move forward with intention on what some called leading-edge innovations. She wanted to play a role in helping the organization realize its potential.

When she was oriented to her position, it was made clear that she was not to think of herself as the leader representing the organization. She was staff in service to the board who represented the membership. Her role was to carry out the wishes of the board.

After being in the executive position for a while, it became clear to her that in addition to carrying out the directives of the board, she—in collaboration with volunteer members and the staff team—had an incredible opportunity to move the organization forward in ways that would meet members’ needs and be good for higher education.

On the occasions when she ventured beyond the boundaries of how the board envisioned her role, she was chastised and directed to pull back and stay within the bailiwick of what one in her position had always done. She was to keep the mechanics of the machine running smoothly.

These cautions and restrictions puzzled her because colleagues in similar roles were not only allowed visibility but encouraged and rewarded for exhibiting leadership. In her heart, she knew that those who hired her did so because they saw that she wanted to fly and had the determination and courage to test the power of the organization.

After moving forward and often standing up without permission, she eventually learned that in her position, if she wanted to survive, she had to shape-shift depending on the characteristics of the board as a whole and the agendas of specific members of the board.

When there were board leaders who had vision beyond merely maintaining the good standing of the organization, she knew that it was possible not only to claim the organization’s tag line, but to realize what it meant to be the leading voice for student affairs in higher education.

With these forward-thinking leaders, there were test flights into the unknown. Invariably, following such visionary leaders, however, there would be new leaders who thought they had a mandate to rein her in and ground her before there were future flights. They feared that there was too much change too fast.

 They thought that there were too many innovations, too many new partnerships outside of student affairs, too much attention to seeking grant support, and a need to be careful about positioning the organization in areas that other organizations had traditionally had a role.

Dismayed but not discouraged by these attitudes, she had faith that what, at times, seemed like the curse and most difficult part of her role was also the best and saving grace. Unlike many organizations with board members who had long tenure, members of her board rotated off in two-year cycles—except for the chair who, given their role as part of the executive committee, served for an additional year. She counted on leaders with whom she could work in partnership to help the organization move toward its highest potential.

In the end, it was not about being seen as a leader. It was about keeping those new year’s resolutions. Being the invisible leader worked just fine in this land far away.